Why Subaru can eat a bag o’dicks


I know it’s an intense headline, but I can explain…

In 2016 I broke the Guinness World Record for longest road trip in a Subaru. The story went viral and I went on TV and some production company even tried to get a show made about us (me and my ex… who did the trip with me). I never thought to reach out to Subaru cause I was so busy with other interviews. Everyone I met asked me the same question:

“How much did Subaru pay you?”

“Pay me? Are you kidding? I spent like 15K doing that shit!”

“Why the fuck would you do that?”


Finally it dawned on me that I should reach out to them. So, I send an email to everyone in the company and humbly brag that I set the world record in a Subaru Outback, but nobody got back to me.

What? Really? Forget you, Subaru. I’m over it.

Years go by, it’s now 2019… obviously. You know that. My dad calls me and says, “Hey, I know someone selling their 2015 Audi. I think I can get a good deal for it. You want it?” Fuck yeah I want that shit, dad.

“Well you better call Subaru and see if, ya know, maybe they want to buy the car back from you. Maybe you can get some money for it.”

“Good idea dad.”

So I send Subaru another email that says something along the lines of:

Look you cocksuckers. I’m selling the fucking car. You want a goddam story outa this shit, or what? It seems INSANE to me that you wouldn’t wanna feature it somewhere in your marketing materials, insane. Please write me back to confirm that you have no interest in this story, because at the moment I find that hard to believe.

I get a response from their PR department. Nice dude. But he says to me:

“What year is your car? Do you have photos and videos? What’s the VIN?”

Photos and videos? Are you serious? I have a terabyte of footage. I literally was required to film every day. Here’s my VIN… and it was a 2009 Outback, I wrote him back saying.

Then the guy writes me back saying: “You should submit the story to our Dear Subaru section. Please be sure to include videos and photos.”

I think to myself: He wants me to do more work for Subaru? Are you serious? I got a bit flustered as I combed through his dickhead response and bumped into people while staring at my phone–I was in Nashville at some cult marketing conference… I should tell you about that some other time cause it was really weird… Anyway, I’m at this cult reading his damn email and my blood gets hot. So I reactively hit the reply button and say:


I said that not knowing that I appeared as if I’d been waiting for his reply all day, given my response time. It was fairly immediate.

He replied: “Submitting the story is only a formality. It’ll only take a few moments.”

Motherfucker, I’ve already given you moments.

“This is in consideration for Drive Magazine. Please submit the story through Dear Subaru.”

What the fuck is Drive Magazine? I write him back and say: “Look man. The damn story was on The Today Show for fuck’s sake. It went viral. I don’t give a shit about Drive Magazine. And I DON’T HAVE TIME TO SUBMIT TO FUCKING DEAR SUBARU!”

He offers me a $1500 coupon for a new Subaru and CC’s some chick that works at Subaru. She’s got a fancy @subaru.com email address. I reply-all:

“What I had in mind was more a social media campaign or commercial. I don’t care about Drive Magazine. Thanks for the coupon. And again, I don’t have time to rummage through a terabyte of footage and put a submission together for Dear Subaru.” I conclude that, “I’m at a marketing conference”, you know, to hammer down my point that I’m a busy guy.

Then I refresh my email till the chick from Subaru responds:

“Congratulations on your accomplishment!” (Bitch, I did this years ago, did you not read the news?) “We would love you to submit the story on our website. Just click on the Dear Subaru section and we can follow up with you from there. We are working on the $1500 coupon.”

That’s when I snapped.

“You know what? Don’t worry about the coupon. Don’t worry about Dear Subaru. Just thought you might want at least a PHOTO of the fucking car before I sell it. Thanks for your time.”

And that’s why Subaru can eat a bag o’dicks.

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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