“Who am I?”


Last night I went into a tailspin trying to figure out: Who am I? What is it that I do? What’s my brand? Do I need one? I went into a job interview a couple months ago to help restructure a marketing agency and put some systems in place, and one of the chicks that worked there asked me a question I hate; one that I have no idea how to answer. She asked me: “so, what is it–what are you–who, I mean, sorry it’s just… what is it you do?

Good fuckin question lady. People pay me money to do good shit that they like. That’s about as close to an answer as I could give her. I musta sounded like a buffoon stumbling over my answer. Hopefully she’s not reading this, but I mean, I post every day. She’d have to sift through a lotta thought patterns to get to this one. She’d have to be wildly paying attention to my blog, which she’s not (I can safely assume). Not to mention there’s no utility to keeping up with these posts, none that I can find. Gone are the days when I wrote about ending up in threesomes with teenage lesbians (I was twenty-two). That was the old me… and by the old me, I mean I did that shit two years ago and now I’m done.

My girlfriend still can’t explain to people what I do. “My boyfriend? He… Well, he does marketing–I mean PR. He does PR. And… He has the Guinness Record.” At that point people probably look at her and think… what the hell are you trying to say woman?

I want to look people in the eye and say with fluidity: I’m a _________. But I can’t do that cause I’m XYZ. I’m reading a book right now (still on Homo Deus… thirty pages left… took me two months to read that motherfucker) and the author suggests that we are in the age of transformation, a time when people will need to constantly reinvent themselves.

(According to him) Every ten years or so the job market will shift due to machine learning, algorithms and AI. The most popular jobs in the US: truck driving, cashiers, and retail will all be replace my algorithms. Well, they already have. When was the last time you saw a cashier at Walmart or Home Depot? There’s like two of them. I noticed Ikea still uses people… that’s good. Not that I think machine learning is bad. I mean, I’ve had to reinvent my job too… eight years ago people wanted to hire a public relations firm, so I started one. Now if I don’t handle my client’s social media, public relations, marketing platforms, blog, advertising campaigns and brand strategy, I’m useless because the other guy will do it for half the price.

Truck drivers will be out of business the moment self-driving cars become commercial, which might not be for twenty years, but it might be in three. I look around the highway and all I see are dickhead trucks hogging the fast lane. How could they all disappear? Well, remember online buying? Nobody did that shit. That was less than fifteen years ago. Now Amazon is putting malls out of business. Social media was barely a thing ten years ago, now online ass-jiggling is a profession and eighteen-year-old whores make more than their physician fathers shooting ten twerk videos and getting their choice of brand sponsorship:

“We love your profile.”

Yeah? You love it or you know half of the world jerks off to it? Point is, that seemed like it happened overnight.

To be an influencer is basically like saying: I do photos hot. Would I be an influencer if I could? Hell yeah I’d take seventy grand for flashing the underside of my areola if people were paying for it, but they’re not. Half of me is hating on those brats and the other half is like: Nah, for real though… These chicks are hookers, am I wrong? Not all of them. Generalizing is wrong… but uhh… Most influencers are doing soft-core porn.

Anyway, when people ask me what I do, it’s a nightmare. I’m a PR dude, I write books, sell articles, create online courses, do internet marketing, I’m a blogger, launching a podcast, developing software–but then I started thinking… So fuckin what?

What do I do? I try to stay alive without hating my life. I utilize my talents to turn a profit. I write every day cause I have to. I travel the world because time is ticking. I love disrupting the media cause PR stunts are awesome. I study marketing funnels cause that’s how people get rich. If I could focus on just one thing, I would be goddam miserable. That’s not my personality.

Since I was a kid I’ve always had one goal: live the most interesting life as possible before I head to the farm. I should give myself some credit: I’ve done just that. Sometimes I feel like I needa curse more in these blog posts because that’s the way I write; that’s how people know my writing. Then I think: shut the fuck up Greg. Just post this shit and stop thinking.

What a morning mind vomit that was…

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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