British detectives, shiny holsters and high murder rates.


Here’s the dilemma… I never launched Vagabond University’s podcast, but I did get two episodes in the can before I realized the audio was unsalvageable. The interviews were great, but unusable. Fuckin buzzkill. I mighta talked too much too… I think I cut my guests off a couple times. I’ll know that for next time: Shut the fuck up a bit more. But here on round two of my second go at it, I’m having title paralysis. I can’t settle on a damn name.

First, I should say that in order to fix the audio problem I previously experienced on the first two episodes, I bought real equipment and built a makeshift studio in my closet… So, I might be in my closet a lot. I had this one idea to title the podcast: “I’m in a closet”, but who the hell would wanna appear on “I’m in a closet”?

“Hey mom! I went on I’m in a closet!”

“You’re in the closet?”

“On the closet! Comes out next week!”

“You’re coming out of the closet next week?”

So you can see my dilemma. How do I make this not sound like a “homo chat show”, as my friend Judy put it (not that there’s anything wrong with homo chat shows… it’s just, well, I don’t want one.)

Since my first book is called “The Drifter Chronicles,” my friend Carla suggested “The Closet Chronicles” for the podcast, and I still like that… but again, will guests want to go on any sort of closet podcast? My friend Tom told me closet is just too loaded of a word. But… I will be doing the whole thing in my closet! I think that shit is hilarious. But if I’m the only one laughing, it won’t be that entertaining.

My friend Dan suggested “HeyLetsChatWhyNot”–a Simpsons reference, but now that seems like a silly name. We also came up with “I Shit You Not” and “Binge on This” and “Yes Way, No Way.” None of those ideas are still alive. My friend Eric asked me simply, “Well, what’s it about?” Fair enough. Seems like a reasonable starting point. Well, it’s about things I want to talk about with people I met not too long ago.

I was in Nashville at a marketing conference last week and I was bunking at a hostel on Music Row and the guy across from me was a British detective from London that specialized in cyber pornography–as in he took down human trafficking rings by pretending to be an online buyer. That’s exactly the typa shit I’d wanna have on the podcast. He and I talked for hours about Brexit, Trump and being a cyber detective. That’s basically what you do with people from England: explain to them why we have so many guns, how Trump got elected, and then ask “what’s the deal with brexit?”

But yeah, when I meet other travelers, that’s always their first question–and not just the British, everyone from everywhere asks, “Why do you Americans love your guns so much?” It always comes up, and my answer is always the same: “Cause Americans don’t want to lose.”

If someone has to give up their gun, it means they lost the fight to the opposing side that thinks reasonable gun laws make perfect sense. Nobody wants to lose in our culture-less country. We love fast food, capitalism, and guns.

I was in Yuma, Arizona once and some kid–like eighteen–walked into the gas station with a holster that protruded a solid five inches from his massive belt. He had a shiny revolver that he wore like a badge of stupidity and it blinded my eyesight every time he shifted positions in line and it caught the reflection of the light and bounced off his pistol and into my retina. Kids like that would freak out if someone took their gun–or even made it harder for them to attain one. That dumb kid who thinks a bank robber is hiding in the bushes at all times–that fuck is the type of fuck that’ll feel like he lost, and there are millions of those kids, many of them adults. And they don’t want to lose. That’s the reason.

But that’s beside the point, I just brought that up cause I was explaining why the British cyber-porn detective would make a great guest. I also want to find that chick who broke the world record for longest motorcycle journey in one country and interview her. I have the record for the car, she has it for motorcycle. Seems like Guinness-made synergy to me. I hit her up on Twitter once and she ignored me. I’ll have to get creative to get her attention.

My buddy is head of city council or some shit in Newburgh, the most violent city in New York. I want to talk to him about what in the world that is like. I met a musician in Moab, Utah once who thinks he started a forest fire. I wanna talk to him and get to the bottom of that. Another dude I know teaches high school in the South Bronx… Gotta talk to him too.

Basically I wanna talk to anyone doing interesting shit.

So, that’s what the podcast will be about. When I think of it like that, “Closet Chronicles” doesn’t seem to fit. It should be something more like “Listen to This Fuckin Shit.” But you can’t curse in the title. I love cursing.

I found this guy on Upwork that specializes in podcast intros and outros and slightly hired him… now he’s waiting for the podcast name too so that he can send me a first draft. I told the world this podcast exists and that my goal is to get 25 episodes launched by the end of the year. My closet is now worth $900 of podcasting equipment. The pressure of finding a name is mounting.

I gotta call it something. And I’ll be honest: I was secretly hoping a great name would escape its way from outa my head and into this blog post before the time I was done, but it didn’t. I still have no idea. And now the post is over.

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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