Personality tests


I did it again. I paid another ten bux to take a damn personality test, but this time, I had my girlfriend help out… cause here’s the thing: I know how to game the system. So, now I can answer and skew the results in favor of the personality I wanna achieve.

I’ve become so obsessed with those damn things that I have literally taken six different brands of quiz about twenty times. I began to research why they asked each question, and then realized they were really only asking a few questions–not sure how many for Myers-Briggs, which I’ve been an INFP, ENFP, INTJ and ENTJ throughout the course of the last five years of my life… But in the Big 5 Personality Assessment, there’s only five questions that get re-asked a million times over. So, now I know if they’re asking me if I like to sit close to the back of the room, I know they’re asking me if I’m an introvert or extravert.

I know that if it asks me if I get “lost in music” it’s asking something about my intellect (I think). I know if it asks me something about compassion, it’s judging my agreeableness. I can game the system, but why would I want to do that? Is one personality better than another? I think I wanted a high score, and so I tried to get one… but what the fuck is a high personality score? I’m a goddam lunatic.

Finally, last night, I was like, “Yo, Daryl (girlfriend), help me answer these questions.”

And she was like okay.

So we went through the test and I got some hard feedback. Then my results came in: 3% polite. 7% compassionate. What? Okay, I suppose I can be a bit of a dick, but out of 100 people in a room, 93 of them are more compassionate than I am? And I’m less polite than nearly 100% of the room? Fuck… I better re-evaluate my life.

There was that one time I took it and I got a 0% in intellect. I was like fuck. I’m a moron. Then I got 0% in openness to experience. I was like huh? I travel all over the world and do weird shit my whole life… How could that possibly be true?

I came to two conclusions:

  1. I was living the wrong life.
  2. The test was wrong.

But the test was created by highly skilled clinicians–world famous, even. So, the chances that the test was totally off seems unlikely. Maybe a bit off, but not totally off. The only conclusion I could draw is that I was doing things that maybe went against the grain of my personality.

Goddammit. Now my head is all fucked up.

Gotta go rethink my life…

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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