I wrote this in the gym locker room


Today I wanna talk about old dudes in the gym locker room that have full conversations with each other while they’re ass naked; naked for no reason.

My question is: Why? Why not just put some clothes on? Your locker is right there.

I mean, can’t you take one moment to wrap a damn towel around yourself before you get into the whole “my kitchen is leaking” discussion with the plumber a couple lockers down? Do you think your floor will dry up cause you’re asking in the nude?

And why is the damn plumber naked too? And why is he responding? Is he not distracted by the ancient circumcised leather in front of him? Am I the only person with pants on?

And it doesn’t end there… just when I’ve had it up to my brain’s capacity of visual stimulation…

On my way back from the steam room there’s another dude with blindingly white ass cheeks who I have to squeeze behind to get back to my locker and he’s having some conversation with another almost naked dude about his wife’s hair salon business… or lack thereof as I eavesdropped… Apparently the business wasn’t running so smooth. Well maybe she should tighten up her fade game man? Ever thoughta that? Maybe she’s just not that good. My brother is a barber, maybe all her clients should go to him. Maybe I’ll make that happen if you don’t put your damn socks on at least.

One of the guys wasn’t fully nude, I’ll give him that, but he was far from fully dressed.

Why not?


It’s like no… We MUST discuss my wife’s clientele problem while our cocks retract into our stomachs. It’s a must. I mean, even biology was begging for privacy. 

Can’t they just take ONE second to wrap a goddam towel around their waist?

And what’s up with the guys carrying their towels in one hand as they walk to the shower? They could just as easily cover up.

Then there’s the guy who nearly sexually harassed me. Yeah. We’re goin there people…

Some sixty-year-old dude waited for me after I got done showering one evening with his shower door suspiciously open, like an invite. I’m serious. Does he think I’ll turn gay for his aging genitalia? I mean, he’s no Thor. 

You don’t see me outside the girls locker room waiting with my fly down till that girl with those yoga pants that suck her asscrack walks out. Just take a peak and go back to your life cowboy, aright?

Why’d I just call that dude a cowboy? I’m in Upstate New York, not Wyoming…

Anyway, I’ve decided to take an in-depth look at why people don’t wrap their towel around their waist while having conversation in the gym.

To get to the bottom of it, I interviewed three old guys—complete with shriveled cock—and asked them WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

That’s a joke. This story is over and I won’t revisit it again.

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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