Hot and cold shit = good life


I’m drinkin some coffee. It’s about 8:30AM. Saturday. I’m sleepy. Trying to wake up. Going out with a friend at 11AM to catch up on life. Doing my diligence of posting every morning. Working on my book after I write this post. The book is fucking awesome. All about using travel as a means of self-discovery; a tool, rather than some recreational activity or vacation. You brush your teeth to keep them white and your breath free from stank, and in the same way you use travel to overcome a dull soul and crooked spirit and stanky outlook on life. Like an oil change. Gotta do it every so often–if not more. Travel is your soul’s oil change.

Anyway, I’m launching a new blog for a client all about the one word that would describe your dream home. Might be called Dream Abode. Not sure yet. I’m terrible with names. I can never decide on damn names. Funny as it may be, I know a good domain when I hear one. Like this one. When I found out was available, I was like, WHA? I also own (I’m Jewish and Italian)… Still don’t have that in use. I’m thinking to host an image on it–just an image. Maybe a big picture of half horse half me. That’s a weird fuckin idea.

Anyway, I own so many domains it’s disgusting. I’m a hoarder–a domain hoarder., (from the days when I owned a rolling paper business called Tweed… I’ll have to tell you that story another day), I own BlackApple[everything].com – BlackApplePR, BlackAppleMarketing, BlackAppleEvents, BlackAppleNews, BlackAppleMedia– everything. I own cause of this one time I almost threw a music festival called Electric Hippie.… Look, I can’t go through all of them, but it’s a lot.

Back to the new blog I’m starting: Dream Abode, I’m gonna get people to submit personal essays about what one word would describe their dream abode and why they chose whatever word they picked. I’m starting it off with my word: warm.

I realized everything I like in life is warm. I like going to the gym so I can reward myself with the sauna; it’s a game changer (the sauna). Sometimes I do the steam room and the sauna. Those are the days I’m really wild. Hot showers, big baths, heated floor tiles, fireplaces–I love fireplaces. I love chopping the wood, gathering the kindling, building the fire, maintaining the fire, listening to the crackle of the wood pop, I love it all. Bathtubs. I love big fuckin bathtubs. Space heaters are a favorite of mine as well. Seat heaters in the car, big fluffy comforters, beaches, suntanning, smoking cigars, it’s all about fire or heat. Am I a fire sign?

Does that matter? I have friends that would behead me for even pondering such a thought… does that matter [eye roll – shrug – sigh – obvious disappointment] Astrology for life, they must be thinking as they read this. Point is, I love warm shit. My dream home would be warm, full of saunas, steam showers, fireplaces, heated floors and seat heaters (maybe in my living room?)

I don’t think it even matters so much what it looks like, as long as I can steep my soul in a dark steam–whatever the hell that means. Are there any cold amenities I like? Cold showers. I love jumping in cold lakes. When I was on my Guinness World Record road trip I would wake myself up when I got sleepy from driving a million hours every day by jumping in 57 degree (14 degree Celsius) lakes. Minnesota has over 11,000 lakes, did you know that? Even though it says on their license plates: Land of 10,000 Lakes. There’s over 11,000. 11,842 according to Wikipedia. Guess it doesn’t have the same ring to it.

I jumped into three of the five great lakes. Superior, Eerie and Michigan I think. I could be wrong. All those lakes look the same. Big and fuckin blue. Tony Robbins has that watering hole at his house in Boca. It’s a deep hole full of cold water that he jumps into every day. I need something like that. Basically I like cold water and hot water. Oh shit. Maybe I’m a water sign. Jeez, that was a 180…

Look, I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess the moral of the story is Minnesota is full of shit.

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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