Expert road trip hacks


So I’m 20,000 words deep into this damn book I’m writing about how to vagabond the world when I decide late last night to do some research…

What do 9-5ers really want to know about travel so that I can make sure I include it in this book? I’m certain people who are working jobs they hate are going to love this book; that’s who I need to please. Right? I mean, the goal of writing it is to get more people traveling the world so that there is less prejudice and more understanding of other peoples’ cultures and more than anything: so that people are not on their deathbed wishing they took that trip to Moscow. Cause by then it’s too damn late. Dave Ramsey says spay off your debt above all else. I say fuck you Dave (even though I love Dave), if you have to incur some debt to travel, it’s worth it, because more important and finite than money is time.

Anyway, I guess I just feel strongly about it. I found these courses in Udemy (a site full of cheap online courses) about how to travel and decided to go through some of the two, three, and four star reviews (one and five star reviews are bullshit) to learn a bit more about what people liked and disliked about the course. I thought… maybe I can learn about what challenges these 9-5ers were left after taking the courses and obstacles they really needed help with, that way I know where to put an emphasis in the book. Common sense, really.

Nope. Not for me I guess. I went through a slew of reviews and the one thing I realized off the bat was they were all travelers that had signed up to take this $200 travel course. Travelers. I was sure that travelers would never read a how to travel book or take a how to travel online course. That just seems silly. Why would they do that? They already know how to travel. They don’t need help. Must be people who work jobs they hate that want to travel. That must be my audience. 9-5ers. Maybe these travelers all have 9-5 jobs they hate? I never thought of the fact they could be both at the same time. Shit. Point is, all these thousands of people that signed up for the course were not beginners.

So, needless to say, I wrote fifty pages targeting a group of people about how to make the jump from day job to vagabonding seamlessly. But since they were travelers that took the course and not people defining themselves as having trouble getting started, the number one complaint was that it was way too basic. The course just restated shit that anybody who’d traveled even a little bit would already know. The main feedback of the course was that all the travel hacks were common sense. All the students were already experts and wanted expert hacks, not beginner hacks.

Then I started going over all the content I had written about in my head while I was sitting on my couch waiting for Colbert to come on. It is the most basic of basic. Travel philosophy 101. It’s a book for beginners that have never traveled. Fuck. All those pages felt wasted. I thought it was pretty good start too… But gone are the days where I spend years creating a product that only I would buy. I have done that a lot. Like the time I produced a midnight vaudeville burlesque festival in Hollywood for a month. I was my biggest fan.

So, I started jotting down expert travel hacks that only a professional would know, like how to track and record your exact road trip route through a GPS system by creating a KML file that will open up in Google Earth so that not only can you see your map, but you can browse precisely how many miles you drove, on which roads, at what altitude, going at what speed and on which dates. That shit took me months of overcoming a severe learning curve to figure that out. NOBODY knows how to do that shit other than me, at least that’s how it felt when I was Googling how to do it on my Guinness World Record Road trip. It was required evidence that I had to submit to Guinness to prove I had driven what I claimed I had driven. I had gone ten thousand miles before I finally taught myself how to do that since it didn’t exist online, probably because not many people actually need to know how to do that shit.

What other expert hacks do I know? How to convert a Subaru into a hotel? Is that a hack? I mean, I’ll think of some other shit. Maybe I will write a book about how AP Roadtripping, or Road Trips for Experts, or some shit. Expert Road Trip Hacks.

Maybe I’ll use that as the headline and see how many people read this post. But then they’ll be upset that there aren’t expert road trip hacks in the post. Whatever, people will understand. Okay. I’m done. Bye.

About the author


I'm a high school dropout who escaped reform school when I was sixteen and hitchhiked the country as a homeless teen till I finally made sense of the world. I now work as a travel writer, marketer, publicist, I published a book and broke the guinness world record for longest road trip. I've done some other crazy shit too. But I'm still alive and seven years sober. Enjoy my insanity...

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