Last night I’m at my girlfriend’s parents house and the topic of beanie babies comes up. They say they have a million. My gf’s sister says that shit might be worth mad money. So we get the bucket of beanie babies and find a beanie baby appraisal site; an official site. Trademarked and everything.
We type in, “Clawed”… the name of the multi-colored crab. Wait for it… wait for it…
“OMG $50,000! IT’S WORTH $50,000!” my gf’s sister shouts. The crowd goes wild.
We start gettin all amped up. 50 grand for one stuffed crab? Get the fuck outa here. So we keep goin… 30K! 2.5K! 1K! 40K! Holy shit, we’re gonna be millionaires, we all think.
We gotta take this to the next step. So before we head to eBay to list the bucket for a half million bucks, we dive into Instagram into the notorious #beaniebaby hashtag (I’m sure you know of it) and find this dude named gaygay4gaga. He’s supposedly a professional beanie baby sales guy. (That’s a thing?) He has his DM’s turned off–probably cause he’s mad gay for Gaga AND a beanie baby expert… dude must be gettin hammered with messages all day…
But I’m a sneaky pizza bagel, so I look at his IG story then sneak attack him by sliding into his DMs and I write, plain and simple:
“I have a lot of beanie babies. the Internet says they are worth 500,000 USD. Can u help? Found u in the beanie baby hashtag room.”
And this motherfucker… you know what he writes back?
“They are not worth anything… sorry”
How the FUCK do you know dude? You don’t know about Clawed the crab and Spooky the ghost and Patti the Platypus! You don’t know SHIT! We have Hoppity the bunny in TWO colors! FOUR OF EM!
Anyway, that’s what’s goin on this morning. Oh shit it’s noon. Make that afternoon.